Find Our Way Home

Field by snow covered field
I searched, but I-94 could not revelation yield
Its so easy to get lost in the smallest of towns
Listen to the whispers and reality upside-down:

Come and worship me, my udders hang low and not small
I am New Salem! The greatest heifer of them all!
Come and sing me praise! sing the sun, the snow, the sleet and rain:
I am Steele! The ever lovely long neck crane!
Come and bow low to me or I will defeat you, my foe
I am Jamestown! White Cloud! Albino Buffalo!

But in our rooms we learned to pray
to sing Your songs, to live the Way
Baptize us in the muddy Missouri!

Bismarck, our home, our peace, our grace
We first met You there, face to face
Baptize us in the muddy Missouri!

Burleigh County, I was lost and weak
You carried me there, You met my needs
Baptize me in the muddy Missouri!

(un)Pleasant Valley Siding/ Dickinson, ND pop. 213,000

Oh, the fatefully named for the painfully forgotten
Deeds from the past still hold them to the bottom
How can they forgive their fathers when they can't forgive themselves
Nightmares of a past, wished gone
PTSD won't move on
When the deepest wounds reopen under the moons or family gatherings

He said not to tell and now I couldn't if I tried
He said show me yours and I'll show you mine
It would be different if I could relive it,
but regrets are so unkind

How can they forgive their fathers when they can't forgive themselves
And how can they father's forgive themselves when they can't forgive their fathers

Dick-in-son: So fatefully named
Dick-in-son: The past remains
Dick-in-son: I hate my past
Dick-in-son: Will this nightmare pass?
Dick-in...

Son of God! We need You now!

White Butte, for the Near-Sighted

Three. Five. Zero. Six.
I can't keep climbing higher than this.
Some states of mind aspire for the Rockies
Why no subject to these fields of lesser feats.

White Butte! So majestic and Tall
Three thousand, five hundred and six feet to fall.
Listen for your name as the wind, it calls,
Objectively so, down on the small...
White Butte.

White Butte! for the fortunately framed,
The less-commonly named and the predictably tamed.
Three thousand, five hundred feet from the sea;
Just enough distance to kindly be...
Humbly known.

White Butte! So majestic and Tall
Three thousand, five hundred and six feet to fall.
Listen for your name as the wind, it calls,
Objectively so, down on the small...
White Butte.

The leaves rustle as the wind passes by,
Its time is fading, its end is nigh.

White Butte! So majestic and Tall
Three thousand, five hundred and six feet to fall.
Listen for your name as the wind, it calls,
Objectively so, down on the small...
White Butte.

Eucharist

What a monster I am!
And yet I sit and dine in the presence of Greatness
Are you blind?
Have You no eyes to see me?
My knuckles are red and my teeth drip with blood
I am not clean enough for this table, for this love!

“This is my body and blood, Do this in remembrance of me.”
But memory only serves my sin
Of lust and hate, greed and rape
Forgive me! Forgive me!
It was I who betrayed you on that night
My hammer, my spear stole your wings from flight
I dwell in darkness and shun the light
Forgive me! Forgive me!
And yet somehow in this You love me. You love me?
Your eyes fall upon me and though they are filled with pain
No condemnation do they bring
Hope and peace, the song they sing:
Son, though to the darkness you fled
And in lust burned red,
My love was there with you!
Always was and always will!
Love is the picture I paint and the canvas I spill.
Come Son, now have your fill!

So here I sit
Devouring this bloody meal
Great mercy and grace, this I steal
In remembrance of You

redeemed by the bottle

It's finally empty
Looking down, he sees no more left to drown
Nothing but a glass bottle; his worst fears come spiralling down
What of the money; what of his face
What of his family, he'll be a disgrace
"Oh God, what now?"

How can Great God let us fall?
How can Great God let us fall?
He wears his knees but his face still bruises
From life's pummeling and beating, choice he did not choose
Despair setting in
Faith is meager now
In frustration and rage he slams the bottle down
No alcohol spills, no drunken brawl ensues
Just shattered pieces of a life once pursued
Just shattered pieces reflect a forgotten lamb
Just broken pieces and a broken man

But from the shades, the sun peaks through
And reaches the broken glass, the bottle strewn
It reflects and refracts, a beautiful array
The sun transforms the broken to a glorious display
The Son transforms the broken to a glorious display

Dirt

From dust I come and to dust I will return
But I never evolved, I remain dirt
In selfishness I thought I controlled my own life
My deeds were my own, I didn't need to bring them to light
Now here I am, the dirt to be walked upon
Worthy of nothing, but to be forgotten from
the memory and life of my love

My selfishness and lust have held me down
Chained to the earth, I am the the ground
Walk on me. Stomp on me. I deserve it all.
With brokenness and regret, before you I fall
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
With brokenness and regret, before you I fall

From dust I come and to dust I will return
But I never evolved, I remain dirt.

diety

Control and composure, the two deficits of my nature
My life rises and sets, but the sun keeps on…
“Why can’t I change” I cried
“I cannot win! The moon defines the tide, but I can’t even control my eyes
I AM NOT GOD!”
As the wind blows by, I sigh, and my shoe comes untied
…I am undone…
Make me a lily, neither will I labor or toil, unrighteous plans left to foil
You are the truth, the definition, and the question. I am unworthy of Your punctuation
I AM NOT GOD!
I AM NOT GOD!
I AM NOT GOD!
I am a man, fallen and fully dependent to be lifted off these dystrophic legs and carried
home.

Pretty Flowers

(as performed and recorded by Poinsettia)

I am a flower
exterior of beauty but roots of deceit
I will devour
the good set around me, replaced with the ugly
My roots are reaching further down
Spoiling the land where no ones around
The beauty of my petals
Very soon will fade
and fade and fade
to reveal my shade
of darkness

If perfection were to be achieved
Amidst this world of disease
The fingers of fraility would point my way
but unkown words my tongue would say

I am a flower
exterior of beauty with roots of deceit
I will devour
the good set around me, replaced with the ugly
My roots are reaching further down
Spoiling the land where no ones around
The beauty of my petals
Very soon will fade
And fade and fade
To reveal my shade
Of darkness

But breaking through the clouds, a burning light appears
Scorching past my thorns, to my roots of deepest fears
My petals all fall down, to the ground
Through the earth where they will never be found
Something new and glorious indeed
A brand new birth without a seed
I've never known this
I've never seen this
I've never felt this feeling of clean
New water flows
Like blood it glows
To renew my roots and make me free

In my garden...

I

If life is a garden
Then friendships are trees
Oak and Spruce, Maple and Pine
Friends of many shapes and different kinds

The rings of our tree grow many
And through many winters it has survived
Water is carried to leaves by complex lines
Telephone bills and post office lines
There is nothing I would trade it for
Oak, Spruce, Maple or Pine
The rings of our tree grow many
And an aged tree does not easily die.

II

If life is a garden
Then love is a rose
Beautiful and Breath-taking
Yet piercing is the thorn

Loves I have had
But a thorn you have been
The rose has bloomed
The rose has blossomed
But never has it been plucked
No, never plucked for my beloved’s vase
For fear of the piercing
For fear of the painful distaste
The petals fall and the rose fades
For by the prick of the thorn
Oh, by the prick I’ve been detained

III

I love the trees
And a rose is most beautiful
But as far as I can know
The two, together, do not grow
Oh, how I wish to plant them together
To enjoy the tree’s shade
And to bask in the beauty of the rose
But, oh, together they will not grow!
Some days I wish to cut the tree and plant the rose
But if it never blooms
If it never blossoms
It will take years for the tree to again grow strong

IV

Today I will plant the rose.
Although I know others will grow, you will always be the thorn.
I will plant the rose!
But when I come for the plucking
Will I be pricked by your thorn?
Pricked by your thorn to bleed to my death?
Or will I carry this rose to your vase?
Carry this rose to your vase and take away your breath?

Autumn

6 hour drive to the cities
choke it down like poison
put her on the plane
watch it take flight
up up up
as my joy falls
down down down
like these autumn leaves

I hate letting go even though
I know YOU can care so much more than me
But I still can’t help to think that
they lied when they said
home is where the heart is

6 hour drive back home
As she flies back to Chicago
my heart in her hands

I Am

i am,
a plastic bag in the wind,
an empty can made of tin,
a discarded sock, worn through and through,
a mighty ship, lacking crew,
i am empty.

i am,
the unfinished puzzle, waiting completion,
forcing pieces that will never be solution.
i am,
the rhyme, lacking the riddle,
quotes in time, but teaches so little.
i am,
the meal, so carefully prepared,
cold and dry, no one cared.
i am,
the groom, awaiting his bride,
but none would dare come for the ride.
i am incomplete.

i am,
the boy, lost in the store,
the apple, missing its core,
the bluebird, alone in the sky,
the beggar, on his way to die,
i am alone.

I AM,
The breeze and I AM the drink.
I AM,
The lesson that is taught in sync.
I AM,
The Father and I AM the friend.
I AM satisfaction to the end.
I AM the fulfillment.
I AM the Completion.
I AM the Companion.
and I AM.

Not All Birds are Meant to Fly and Someday... Everybody is Gonna Die

May I holdfast
Cast my anchors for the deep and weather the storm
I’m broken and I’m bleeding, but I know what I fight for

Watch the pilots as they soar by
Should’ve been you, but no matter how hard you try
You’re grounded
The wind is right, and you’ve got the wings
But you can’t take off, can make this tune sing
Is this the end, is this your death?
Or is there hope for a bird beyond the wind’s breath

So give me Goliath, give me the fight
I’m broken and I’m bleeding, but soon through the night
Dawn will break
Like Lazarus I will rise up
Through His power, this bird will take up
I know who I am, I know how I stand
By blood I will make my mark as a man
And whether in life or in death,
In weakness or in strength
I will stand

This candle won’t blow out
It flickers, barely in sight
But a mere spark is all it takes
A mere spark will light the night
So try and stop it, its already begun
The night is young and the forest aglow
Blow out this candle? No, watch it explode

This candle won’t burn out.

Not All Birds are Meant to Fly and Someday...

Of Age

twenty-one years of learning.
twenty-one years of enhancement.
self-sufficiency,
it’s a means to an end.
so watch me chase the wind,
find meaning in the meaningless.
it’s my life,
it’s mine to take or waste
my dreams, my visions,
my goals and aspirations.
work harder,
then comes reality from apparition.
but what of the bottom,
the floor which I call home.
am I a failure
for not reaching the sky alone?

twenty-one years of me
twenty-one years of self-sufficiency
they taught me to do it myself
but here on the ground,
alone in the dirt,
i’ve learned the most important lesson
they do not teach,
i’ve learned from hurt.

i need YOU.

What Shadow Can Withstand the Light (Oh Me, Oh My, What a Monster I Spy, Pt. 3)

I hate throwing up
Bile and blood baring my soul
It’s strange though
In my hands is the vomit-filled cup
And relief overcomes me, energy to wake up

Cut me open, let the poison flow
I know it burns, but its got to go
I want life
I want love
I will fight
With the strength of a bear for the peace of a dove

And though I may return to the night
Return to the shadows for short-lived delight
My shutters will not close

Glorious Sunshine
Melt away this frozen cage of bitter flesh
Burn through the skin, burn through the bone
Burn deep inside to cleanse this illness
And with your rising everyday
May I go blind
May I lose myself in Your faithful ray

Pass the Mylanta (Oh Me, Oh My, What a Monster I Spy, Pt. 2)

For some reason the rotten always seems most delicious
Indigestion
My desire for flesh always seems to come back and eat away at me
Something is wrong…

Why won’t this numb?
The pain burning within
Why won’t this numb?
The sore on my bloody chin
Why won’t this numb?
The stain on my cheek from the pleasure of sin
Why won’t this numb?

I should be dead to this by now
The pangs of conscience
Can a beast feel remorse?
Cause my stomach’s churning with a force

Purge!
Renew!
Purge!
Revive!
Purge!
So true!
Purge!
So Alive!

Pardon Me, But May I Help Myself to You (Oh Me, Oh My, What a Monster I Spy, Pt. 1)

Look in the mirror, no one's there.
Look in the mirror, transparency.

Outstretched wings as I take to flight,
The night is mine, the flesh my delight.
I'm sucking the life out of You,
I'm sucking the life out of me.
Haunt. Hunt. Kill. Feast.
Haunt. Hunt. Kill. Feast.
Never enought to satisfy this beast.
With every victim I take down
I'll bury myself deeper in the ground.
I'm sucking the life out of You,
I'm sucking the life out of me.

What is this monster I've created?
Evil personified, Leviathon I've manifested.
Oh no, my Hyde is taking over.
Can I not escape this place?
Can I not escape my own Translyvania?
Can I not escape this place?
Can I not be saved?

Look in the mirror, no ones there.
Look in the mirror, transparency.

Call Me Atlantis, The Lost Son of the Sea

Where am I going?
The resounding nowhere.
I need to burn this town behind me,
But like the captain, I’m going down with this ship.
Is it fear that shackles me down,
Is failure my ball and chain?
Or is it my vision that I, like my Fathers before me, have something great to offer?

Were these dreams dreamt for dashing?
Were these hopes born for crashing?
I am nobody in a nowhere town,
Dreaming the best, but dreading the worst,
Oh God, not the worst…

I know Your plans are the future, plans of perfection,
But how many hours must I wait, how many days will pass?
What if it never comes, what if I’m forgotten
What if the future is now, will my gifts become rotten?

They all sing, everyone is singing: “I will wait for You!”
Call me weak; call me icy, but my patience cracks easily under pressure.
Am I blind, has my braille worn from years of sin?
I know You’re here, but I can’t feel the wind
When will You come, will You answer me?
Or am I Atlantis?
Slowly Sinking.
Soon
To be
Forgotten.

So Here it is...

I am gonna post poems that i have written here everyonce in a while, some i have put to music, others are in the process, and some probably will never meet a musical note. I hope you enjoy the lines, and maybe we will agree on something, or maybe we won't. Oh well, i hope they cause you to think a little.